Baby's First Zombie Book

 Soooooooooooooo...

Since I obviously can't seem to get it right in terms of trying to find a demand for all the good and noble things I try to do, I'm going to go with something else. I'm going to do the right thing where there's a demand for it. 

Ridiculously enough, out of all the stupid shit I've done on the internet, the most popular has turned out to be a joke page I made about zombies on facebook. 

On it I posted an image to a mock up of a cover to a fake children's book about zombies. Thinking nothing of it, I joked that I was in the process of writing it. Let's just say my inbox exploded with joy. And it looks like my mouth wrote a check for something. Now I need to make sure my ass can cash it. 

Guess this is the first PUBLIC announcement of my intentions, but it's not the official word. The official word comes later with a press release, some art, and a way to pre-order copies.

My next book is a safety manual written for children about zombies.

The working title is "Why Did Mommy Shoot Daddy in the Head?", but that's only the working title. My goal is to write and illustrate the guide as if it was real and legitimate, even if the subject is fantastical and the concept is seriously just... pretty insane really. So keep your eyes out. Follow the tag "project: safe kids" to keep in the know.

Also, it's going to be a colouring book. 

Shoving Three Pounds of Shit in a Two Pound Bag

So I guess here we go, a brand new adventure in the world of blogging as I transfer over 10 years of journalling into one new location. Now I'm trimming down my tag cloud (which, holy shit jay, poetry tags? you're annoying) from over 260 to maybe 25.

And don't think for a second I'm going to go tag up my posts for the first two journals.

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Ten years of journalling. What would that look like if it was printed up into little diaries? Would it be a shoebox or a milk crate?

Okay, math time. I'm going to ignore word counts and focus on pages, because for these every page would have one entry, and some comments. I think the average paperback novel is going to have... 300 pages? 400?

Okay I'm looking at copies of the two books next to me. One is Handmaid's Tale, the other is Ghostmaker. Yes, judge me.

I'm about right. So 350 pages average. I don't REALLY do cheese sandwich posts, and I don't usually post memes, and even my twitter posts are only a recent addition and they're probably safely in this range.... so let's assume I'm god for one page of content for 50% of the time.

I'm looking at the numbers when I last kept count, and I'm looking at about 3380 entries between all three journals. So assuming my signal:noise ratio is sitting around 50%, I'm looking at 1500 pages? All the journals are almost the same length (weirdly), so I'm looking at three really beefy novels. I really think they wouldn't work as paperbacks, so maybe they'd have to be slightly larger hardcovers. I guess 3 to 5 books?

*sigh*

Lots of editing. I need a fucking editor. But I need to figure out how to ship something to publishers to see about interest, because fuck all if I'm going to republish 10 years of my life and not figure out how to sell it in the real world. Who the fuck is going to buy a biography that stretches over 4 books. That's stupid. BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AN EDITOR IS FOR.

anyways... it's still just a weak thought in my head. I don't know if I would just dump it all out chronologically, or somehow split it into 3 different phases in my life. I could easily do a whole book on that ugly period in NY, and do one for the road, but then I've got a whole bunch of random life I'd have to bind up into a book.... and what worked for William Burroughs is not going to work for me.

Anyways hey check it out, I'm thinking about another project that's going to take years out of my life and I'll sell a half dozen copies. Because I'm not sitting on a bunch of other eggs waiting to be found.

Go me.

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The first two journals have been thrown into the fire. The third will be tossed in once it outlives its usefulness. Right now it's a great echo mechanism, and if I could figure out how to get everything to broadcast from there opaquely... that would be wonderful.

I have an e-mail for all of this. Maybe I can set up a repeater there. OR HIRE A FUCKING ASSISTANT.

Burning the old journals feels kinda good. More of you should do this.