Year in Review 2009
Jan. 3rd, 2010 02:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
krowfaceThis was the Year of the Snake. This was a time in which the ground turned sour. A second year of transition, a transition extended due to heartbreak, and the slow painful crawl up from the hole that was dug around me.
Professionally:
One full year at the gunshop. Outside of signing checks, and doing actual gun repairs, I can (and have) run the store by myself. I can open it, close it, oversee the operations, manage inventory, handle the best and the worst of customers, and lead everyone in the store when necessary.
I became a manager during the summer, and lost my keys during the second half of october due to some really bad choices. Got the keys back in a week.
A failing economy has prevented me from doing well in all other professional aspects. I sold no art, I designed no websites, the tattoo shop apprenticeship is on hold indefinately.
Relationships:
I came to find I fell in love with a lie, and I learned to hate a coward. "The greatest of loves, and the greatest of lovers", suddenly turned to me lost in the dark, while a broken girl could not find the strength to be honest with her emotions.
The absolute worst heart-break I have ever endured, simply because of someone else's weakness.
(There's no need to walk back down this path... there's a journal in the past and a publishing in the future that'll shine a light on this when needed. There will be a post-mortem. There will be an autopsy.)
...
Friends came, and friends went. I gained a few thanks to social connections, then lost some of them due to drama. The good ones, they stuck around. (Cases in point: the Repo! community, the local "acting scene", my tavern...)
To be fair, it looks like the Repo! community is coming around. What was once seen as "serious issue" has been recently seen as "childish prattling". Also, the local acting scene... easy come, easy go. I weathered the betrayal quite well, because I had already seen them do it to someone else. The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend, especially when the good times only last a month. I might've wore my heart on my sleeve, but I also kept my cards close to my chest. The tavern? The inconsequential, the irrelevant, they have died in the gutter. Family is for life. And I know who my family is.
Lessons to be learned:
"Want to know the viper? Let them warm themselves against your bosom."
"The hardest lessons are best remembered."
"To be free is to let go of what doesn't matter."
The pain of betrayal this year stung me harder than any year before, thank you kindly, but I walked away from it with a strength I never knew I had. I never gave in to my most cherished hobby... revenge. (Oh but she waits... she waits.)
...
During this time I learned a crucial thing about myself, about who and what I am.
Because of others (because this is the sort of thing that can never be learned subjectively), I learned I am a good person, and I learned that I am loved.
Those who saw me at my best, saw me at my worst. Those who saw me at my worst, watched me come back to my best:
Melissa - You were the first one to awaken my lust. I pushed you away because I didn't want to destroy you. I would've. Oh, I would've.
Val - watching someone who she called a "pillar of strength" crumble before her. She handled despair with a grace and dignity most people cannot fathom. Whenever I picture her face, whenever I look into her eyes, I sigh and I smile.
Becca - Your heart echoes mine too many times. -gentle headbutts-
joey - thank you for always being the one that was always open and honest with me. no matter how hard i tried not to listen, i still heard you. i will always love for what you've done. thank you.
Maria - coming in looking for a light and easy fling that would be a salve against 10 years of horrible marriage, only to be faced with a grief worse than she ever felt on her own. She was the one that was physically there when I was at my most dangerous. She accepted my madness with calm and maturity. She dealt well with my post-coital madness. She hid the revolver.
Nicole and Erin - my loving sister and my loving ex-wife. Knowing how to handle me the best they took turns standing at my shore with a light glowing above them. They have always known me as a beautiful monster, and they've always seen the face behind the mask. And they have always loved me. Nicole, you're my right hand. You're willing to swing that flaming sword of justice whenever you know it's time. And you're the first to dive into the fire to still my hand when you know I'm out of control. Erin, your refusal to stop loving me in light of what I've put you through is one of the main reasons I know I am a good man. I'm glad that no matter what happens, the one thing I can never deny you is tomorrow.
Dawn - something innocent and gentle, willing to fragrance my pillows and sheets in order to give me a moment of peace. I am honoured that I was there for you just like how you ended up being there for me. P.S. I'm still here. But I don't need to tell you that, do I?
Alicia - the drowning ophelia who gave me something external to focus on. To show me someone has it as bad as me. You'll never read this, but I need to say this... "I'm sorry I could not save you." But in the end, did you REALLY want to be saved? Thank you for absorbing the worst of my madness, the tear-sodden screaming in your lap that first night I realized I was a worthless ghost. It's a shame. I could thank you to your face, and you'd never quite get it. At least I dove into those waters and tried... I tried. Good luck. Save yourself. Please.
Roxy - I'm glad I was there enough to help you figure things out. Even if the only thing you figured out was that I was a poison. At least now you're happier right? Isn't that all that matters?
Rachel - You went into this with a mouth full of lies and left with an ache in your crotch. You painted me as a monster, you took advantage of me, and I hope one day these sins catch up to you. Your new and cherished friends? You have them because of your lies. Tell them the truth, see if they stick around. In the end, you'll have what you deserve. That being said, I forgive you. Everyone forgives a child, right? (Congrats on being the ugliest girl I've ever banged. I'm done with the pity fucks. Ugh.)
Kate - Met in the fires of lust, cooling in the embers of regret. I'm the monster, you're the victim. I'm sorry they didn't believe what you had to tell them, but in the end, that's not you, that's them right? You did what you could. Thank you. What we have made all the pain we went through worth it. You're a pretty cool roller-coaster. You're also rational beyond your years. I'm proud of the relationship we have. I'm glad I'm teaching you a few things, and I'm glad you're reminding me of what it's like to learn. Thank you for treating my well, I'm glad I can treat you the same. Here's to the future. I hope we treat you kindly.
Amee - Dread fills my heart and my eyes splinter with tears. I am afraid. How could I possible do what you've done for me this year justice? Words fail me. You stood just outside of my gates for years. You saw me at my best and at my worst. You accepted me for everything I had, have, and will give. You watched me try to live, and you watched me try to die. You saw the moment, and you did what was right. You came flying across the country at whim to see the face you've read for years on end. You saw me screaming in pain, and you let your nature take over. You jumped into the darkness, knowing nothing but how your heart sang.
In the end, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you the moment you asked me to keep my promise to those I felt deserved loyalty the least. You taught me the one thing that kept me from greatness, you taught me how to tolerate the failures of others. You taught me that everyone needs to learn from their mistakes. You showed me my very first unicorn. You showed me, you. Then you showed me my second one. You showed me, me.
I am blessed, and I am cursed, because now... now I see them everywhere.
Words fail me in all but one regard, and those are the vows I will one day sing in your ear.
(there are more, i know, but it's late, and i'm cold, and not all of me is working right now...)
Personally:
Grand plans fall to the wayside due to the horrible yoke around my neck. Gym visits forgotten, doctor's visits ignored. A car becoming a paperweight due to neglect.
The dark twin ran rampant. My feminine side is an bitter rape victim. I can read the cards like the best of them, and it terrifies me.
My fears of dying last year manifest this year in an emotional tornado I simply could not escape from.
I finally came to accept that yes, I have a drinking problem. I struggle with this daily. But this is my struggle, and I will be damned if anyone tries to take it from me.
I drown daemons in bottles, and instead of being free, I have a trail of bottled daemons that stretch behind me 15 years long. Half my life, I have been trying to escape. One day soon I will turn around and confront what's behind me. I will. And it's going to be a grand adventure.
Until then, I know what I am. I am a reformed lush. I am a crazed genius. I am a warrior poet. I'm too much love for too small of a world. I'm a thirty-something year old boy. And I'm the first one to die for my friends. I am a gunslinger gathering a ruined ka-tet.
I am just a man.
And I'm still the guy that'll help your mom across the street, and then slap her in the mouth for being a whore.
Yeah, I'm a simple creature, until I tell you otherwise. Because still waters run deep, and there's a few bodies at the bottom of this well.
Artistically:
I am dead inside, but I'm doing much better now, thank you.
Professionally:
One full year at the gunshop. Outside of signing checks, and doing actual gun repairs, I can (and have) run the store by myself. I can open it, close it, oversee the operations, manage inventory, handle the best and the worst of customers, and lead everyone in the store when necessary.
I became a manager during the summer, and lost my keys during the second half of october due to some really bad choices. Got the keys back in a week.
A failing economy has prevented me from doing well in all other professional aspects. I sold no art, I designed no websites, the tattoo shop apprenticeship is on hold indefinately.
Relationships:
I came to find I fell in love with a lie, and I learned to hate a coward. "The greatest of loves, and the greatest of lovers", suddenly turned to me lost in the dark, while a broken girl could not find the strength to be honest with her emotions.
The absolute worst heart-break I have ever endured, simply because of someone else's weakness.
(There's no need to walk back down this path... there's a journal in the past and a publishing in the future that'll shine a light on this when needed. There will be a post-mortem. There will be an autopsy.)
...
Friends came, and friends went. I gained a few thanks to social connections, then lost some of them due to drama. The good ones, they stuck around. (Cases in point: the Repo! community, the local "acting scene", my tavern...)
To be fair, it looks like the Repo! community is coming around. What was once seen as "serious issue" has been recently seen as "childish prattling". Also, the local acting scene... easy come, easy go. I weathered the betrayal quite well, because I had already seen them do it to someone else. The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend, especially when the good times only last a month. I might've wore my heart on my sleeve, but I also kept my cards close to my chest. The tavern? The inconsequential, the irrelevant, they have died in the gutter. Family is for life. And I know who my family is.
Lessons to be learned:
"Want to know the viper? Let them warm themselves against your bosom."
"The hardest lessons are best remembered."
"To be free is to let go of what doesn't matter."
The pain of betrayal this year stung me harder than any year before, thank you kindly, but I walked away from it with a strength I never knew I had. I never gave in to my most cherished hobby... revenge. (Oh but she waits... she waits.)
...
During this time I learned a crucial thing about myself, about who and what I am.
Because of others (because this is the sort of thing that can never be learned subjectively), I learned I am a good person, and I learned that I am loved.
Those who saw me at my best, saw me at my worst. Those who saw me at my worst, watched me come back to my best:
Melissa - You were the first one to awaken my lust. I pushed you away because I didn't want to destroy you. I would've. Oh, I would've.
Val - watching someone who she called a "pillar of strength" crumble before her. She handled despair with a grace and dignity most people cannot fathom. Whenever I picture her face, whenever I look into her eyes, I sigh and I smile.
Becca - Your heart echoes mine too many times. -gentle headbutts-
joey - thank you for always being the one that was always open and honest with me. no matter how hard i tried not to listen, i still heard you. i will always love for what you've done. thank you.
Maria - coming in looking for a light and easy fling that would be a salve against 10 years of horrible marriage, only to be faced with a grief worse than she ever felt on her own. She was the one that was physically there when I was at my most dangerous. She accepted my madness with calm and maturity. She dealt well with my post-coital madness. She hid the revolver.
Nicole and Erin - my loving sister and my loving ex-wife. Knowing how to handle me the best they took turns standing at my shore with a light glowing above them. They have always known me as a beautiful monster, and they've always seen the face behind the mask. And they have always loved me. Nicole, you're my right hand. You're willing to swing that flaming sword of justice whenever you know it's time. And you're the first to dive into the fire to still my hand when you know I'm out of control. Erin, your refusal to stop loving me in light of what I've put you through is one of the main reasons I know I am a good man. I'm glad that no matter what happens, the one thing I can never deny you is tomorrow.
Dawn - something innocent and gentle, willing to fragrance my pillows and sheets in order to give me a moment of peace. I am honoured that I was there for you just like how you ended up being there for me. P.S. I'm still here. But I don't need to tell you that, do I?
Alicia - the drowning ophelia who gave me something external to focus on. To show me someone has it as bad as me. You'll never read this, but I need to say this... "I'm sorry I could not save you." But in the end, did you REALLY want to be saved? Thank you for absorbing the worst of my madness, the tear-sodden screaming in your lap that first night I realized I was a worthless ghost. It's a shame. I could thank you to your face, and you'd never quite get it. At least I dove into those waters and tried... I tried. Good luck. Save yourself. Please.
Roxy - I'm glad I was there enough to help you figure things out. Even if the only thing you figured out was that I was a poison. At least now you're happier right? Isn't that all that matters?
Rachel - You went into this with a mouth full of lies and left with an ache in your crotch. You painted me as a monster, you took advantage of me, and I hope one day these sins catch up to you. Your new and cherished friends? You have them because of your lies. Tell them the truth, see if they stick around. In the end, you'll have what you deserve. That being said, I forgive you. Everyone forgives a child, right? (Congrats on being the ugliest girl I've ever banged. I'm done with the pity fucks. Ugh.)
Kate - Met in the fires of lust, cooling in the embers of regret. I'm the monster, you're the victim. I'm sorry they didn't believe what you had to tell them, but in the end, that's not you, that's them right? You did what you could. Thank you. What we have made all the pain we went through worth it. You're a pretty cool roller-coaster. You're also rational beyond your years. I'm proud of the relationship we have. I'm glad I'm teaching you a few things, and I'm glad you're reminding me of what it's like to learn. Thank you for treating my well, I'm glad I can treat you the same. Here's to the future. I hope we treat you kindly.
Amee - Dread fills my heart and my eyes splinter with tears. I am afraid. How could I possible do what you've done for me this year justice? Words fail me. You stood just outside of my gates for years. You saw me at my best and at my worst. You accepted me for everything I had, have, and will give. You watched me try to live, and you watched me try to die. You saw the moment, and you did what was right. You came flying across the country at whim to see the face you've read for years on end. You saw me screaming in pain, and you let your nature take over. You jumped into the darkness, knowing nothing but how your heart sang.
In the end, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you the moment you asked me to keep my promise to those I felt deserved loyalty the least. You taught me the one thing that kept me from greatness, you taught me how to tolerate the failures of others. You taught me that everyone needs to learn from their mistakes. You showed me my very first unicorn. You showed me, you. Then you showed me my second one. You showed me, me.
I am blessed, and I am cursed, because now... now I see them everywhere.
Words fail me in all but one regard, and those are the vows I will one day sing in your ear.
(there are more, i know, but it's late, and i'm cold, and not all of me is working right now...)
Personally:
Grand plans fall to the wayside due to the horrible yoke around my neck. Gym visits forgotten, doctor's visits ignored. A car becoming a paperweight due to neglect.
The dark twin ran rampant. My feminine side is an bitter rape victim. I can read the cards like the best of them, and it terrifies me.
My fears of dying last year manifest this year in an emotional tornado I simply could not escape from.
I finally came to accept that yes, I have a drinking problem. I struggle with this daily. But this is my struggle, and I will be damned if anyone tries to take it from me.
I drown daemons in bottles, and instead of being free, I have a trail of bottled daemons that stretch behind me 15 years long. Half my life, I have been trying to escape. One day soon I will turn around and confront what's behind me. I will. And it's going to be a grand adventure.
Until then, I know what I am. I am a reformed lush. I am a crazed genius. I am a warrior poet. I'm too much love for too small of a world. I'm a thirty-something year old boy. And I'm the first one to die for my friends. I am a gunslinger gathering a ruined ka-tet.
I am just a man.
And I'm still the guy that'll help your mom across the street, and then slap her in the mouth for being a whore.
Yeah, I'm a simple creature, until I tell you otherwise. Because still waters run deep, and there's a few bodies at the bottom of this well.
Artistically:
I am dead inside, but I'm doing much better now, thank you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 07:58 pm (UTC)I love you.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 05:22 am (UTC)I know now that I defended someone who did not deserve my friendship and dedication. I appreciate that you appreciate my honesty and straightforwardness, I don't believe in being underhanded or sneaky and I think we both know someone who is far too comfortable with both thsoe things and many more.
I'm sorry for both of us but glad for the lessons we've learned. And hopefully 2010 brings both of us better friends and better experiences.
<3
no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 12:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-26 07:03 pm (UTC)You're welcome. You deserve it.
And I have to thank you as well.