The Birthday Post
Nov. 16th, 2013 08:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
krowfaceYesterday was my birthday. Thankfully with the phenomenal cosmic power of the ability to post online, I can look back over the past year and see where I have been during this last trip around the sun.
As typical, my year starts off pretty badly. Not so much as per my 'seasonal affective disorder', but as per I find myself waist deep in a few situations where loyalty and allegiance have come to question over the course of the past year or so. Socially, my life was a warzone. Not just publically, but privately as well.
Also, I had about had it with my dead-end shitty job down the street. Celebrating the incoming holidays with a massive cut in hours and it made things look really bleak. Enough was going on outside in the real world that it was starting to affect us here at home, mostly in the way that perceived slights that are similar to the battle out there felt incredibly more painful. Or I'm justifying something at home. I don't know.
Shortly before the holidays I learned that my time with Loki's Workshop (which was my last big attempt at trying to partner with someone to start a business) was a colossal waste of time. However, the holidays themselves were very nice. Except we're not traveling this year. No. Unless I am the one behind the wheel and I get to pick out the vehicle. Christmas day? Sherman Tank. Fuck that noise...
My NYE resolution was to "let go of things that do not matter," and then I proceeded to do so, and it was incredibly painful. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to. Nor did I realize how fucking hard life was going to make it.
My game design studio officially became a "real indie game studio" with a listing on IndieDB and the release of our first game.
I stepped back and started objectively studying my interactions with Facebook. That's about when the honeymoon ended. I basically stopped using it for anything social nearly as much as I started using it to promote myself as an artist. Or at least focus about 90% on that every time I signed in.
Then I re-released the entirety of my music I've composed and produced over the years. - http://malengine5150.bandcamp.com/
Clan Corvid continued to be in a holding pattern as a vindictive ex and her buddies decided to step in and get involved. I had high hopes at one point that rationality and maturity would win out in the end but... ugh. "Fucking weekenders." (I have to talk about this later because it is so insane it almost gaslighted me.)
Then a short time later I'm in the dirt because I have to turn my back on someone I used to love because they don't know how to treat a toddler right. Then they responded by making sure to demonize me as much as possible. And this is right at the heels of losing another of the greatest female friends in my life.
At this point it's April and I have just lost a few friends. And one family member going in and out of the ER for major issues, I've got another family member in for a suicide attempt over a sex assault, another sister going in because she's falling apart physically from just being unhealthy and frail, another sister coming back from the dead to raise hell, and another sister I can't even talk to anymore because of her nonsense. As all of that family drama was hitting a crescendo...
Then my faithful companion died, on almost a full decade to the day she first found me.
Somehow I managed to survive all of that, and not only completely redesign my website but I also managed create a software development start-up, both of which were massive undertakings that took all of my strengths and abilities.
Shortly afterwards I was rewarded with a brand new PC, as a sort of investment in the future, since it's now looking much better. So good in fact that the entirety of my social issues had just gone away. I could finally fill every waking hour with nothing but *things that mattered*.
Right after that I ditched a small group of people that no one else really cared about. It wasn't that they were dragging me down over the decade or so I've known them, it's just that they weren't moving forward. Who doesn't move forward in that long a time people? I don't have time for that.
So now we're in July, and I've had a big enough victory I can let the little defeats just slide by, but with it comes the realization that I'm surrounded by some weird bubble or micro-culture where I've surrounded myself with people who simply just don't give a shit about me. There was this level of intellectual disdain that had become beyond problematic into just disrespectful and disgusting.
Not only that, but whatever noise I could make was being drowned out by a very vocal minority of people who simply just didn't like me but they sure as shit did love talking about me.
In response I very quitely focused on trying to keep a positive face. Not only did I avoid the drama and negativity, but I cranked up the volumne on my end, and started shooting and editing videos to post online. I restarted my v-blog and I started recording "let's play" videos. Also I started curating playlists and art collections on various places and social networks. Anything to make sure if I was contributing anything to the noise, it was of incredible high quality and good content. Because I would fight the bullshit with something better.
At this point I am broadcasting at all frequences, with original content pouring in from everywhere as I do what I do best and I make things happen. Music, media, even a little bit of art, photography, and writing on the side. And of course reaping in all of the awesome from the game company...
Big huges smiles and an outpouring of joy and playfulness as the isolation and disdain for who and what I truly am destroys me. I am reaching out at all frequencies with nothing but positive energy, and nothing comes back. The only attention that ever comes my way is through political fights on facebook. Or a random weird and nasty e-mail. Or a twitter doxxing.
I am dedicated and driven to expend 100% of my talent and passion and share it with the world in response to the disdain and dismissal I normally receive... I fight the good fight by staying on the high road and trying even harder, and *it only gets worse.*
My body is physically falling apart. I am in constant pain at this point, and I have a noticable lack of strength and stamina. Complications from my illness are in high gear, exacerbated by stress and the past few years of my life taking it's toll on me as this disease gets a little more efficient at what it does.
It is the height of summer, and I am trying to simply stay alive to experience the joys of raising my daughter and harvesting the fruits of all of my hard work, while at the same time comforted by the sense of relief that comes with thinking the end of the daily pain is about to finally come to an end.
And life goes on. And it only gets worse.
My aunt who has been estranged from us for the past 20 years is now dead. The entirety of our family's history and drama is brought to light. My mother is close to checking herself into a hospital.
The process for my daughter's third and final heart surgery is about to begin.
I am laying rock bottom, and seeing it can only get worse.
Life goes on.
This time a good and dear friend throws me under the bus in the name of "social justice". And I don't even flinch anymore.
At this point what little client work I can get is blocked by some SEO shittery that I can't even start to take seriously. I don't even blink.
The video game company suddenly stalls as I realize I somehow ended up signing an Operations Agreement with a board which includes people who's entire contribution over the course of a few months is talking about how dedicated they are to the game and company. I'm not even reacting anymore.
I am trying to slough off the people who are actively trying to destroy me, and I am surrounded (both publicly and privately) by people who simply care so little that it's passively continuing my destruction.
The summer is now coming to an end and whatever it was that was inside of me that gave a fuck about a lot of this was murdered.
At this point I'm so involved in trying to end the fuckery going on in my company that the entire social drama just dies because I simply don't care anymore. Somehow this ends with me getting into a fight with two different people over two unrelated (but incredibly fucking serious things), and somehow my "doing the right thing" ends with a witch hunt. It ends with the internet's version of a high school slam book, written by people who dress up on the weekends.
Oh and then that causes the Clan Corvid thing to die before it's even born, and I'm pretty grateful for it. Typical and not surprising. "Fucking Weekenders"
At this point, I find that I am so constantly attacked on any social network simply because I am challenging something is now of such severity and intensity that friends are starting to get worried. And they're worried because they can't understand why it's happening either.
After realizing that Facebook serves no purpose to me as an artist or as a friend (we all have phones and mailboxes) and it brings me nothing but irritation and distraction, I ditch facebook.
Everyone is so busy screaming at each other there, no one notices.
With the end of my socializing on the internet, I focus on my company, to find that there is now a very loud minority that is not only not meeting expection so hardcore they are impacting our business and development, but they are talking shit about me because I tried to assist them in their troubles, and then tried to find out what the problem was.
Demands for accountability were met with hostility.
This is now happening socially, in my company, and even with my family. I cannot dare open my mouth without it turning into a war.
And this is with me just doing the right thing and being honest.
Oh and nice. I've also been very nice.
A bomb finally went off, and it only went off just last week. I'm lulled into a peace by mutual assurances, and probably a little bit of PTSD. Okay, a LOT. Probably too much. Mjolnir Software promises change, and I will step back and watch for it.
I have faith in the future, but I also have poor expectations. I don't know if we're going to be able to pull out of this, but it won't be my end of it that fails. I can promise that.
As for facebook, and these social dramas and these social anxieties, that's done. It's never happening again.
Oh, and then life goes on as it has to when I come to find out that my sister is now diagnosed with a very massive amount of cancer.
So really I just had to turn the majority of my social interactions off, I just had to fire one of my good friends of many years , and now Cancer has decided third time is the charm.
And that's only been the past few days.
...
I somehow managed to survive all of this. And still keep most of my composure. And keep my head up. And keep fighting. But all of this pain and hate and sickness... it's not going away. I don't see any of this ever going away. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep fighting all of this.
I'm very ill, and I'm now very broken. If I can survive this, I will survive anything. I'm not too sure that's happening this time.
Pretty sure things are coming to an end, and if this is how we're all going to go out, it's really ending on a bummer. However at this point it's "do or die" with the health thing. After losing two family members in two years with this and having a close sibling being hit with it, it's time to stop fucking around and get screened.
Guess that means that if there's going to be a punchline, it's going to be now. At this point I'm looking forward to it. Not because I'm going to like the end, but because this has been a REALLY unfunny joke and I'd like to move on.
...
In summary: I'm looking back at one of the first posts of the last year and I'm coming to realize that now only do I still feel that way (both physically with my illness, but also in terms of my interactions with the people around me), but it's only gotten worse. My response to it has always been to fight back tooth and nail, but this year I took the gentle and compassionate approach. I must have an incredible way to go, because even though I feel like I've done well with my change in attitude (it's all right there on the internet, and that's apparently the only place I interact with people anymore) it feels like it didn't make a bit of difference at all.
Luckily, I'm too stupid to quit, and reverse psychology seems to work decently on me (#justkidding). I still choose to maintain the same positive attitude publically, but privately... I honestly don't know if I can survive another year of this shit. Not out of choice, I just don't think I have the life left for it.
...
There is all but one brilliant and bright light in my life, and it is all that keeps me going. My family is all have.
I have to do it. For her.
All I want and all I can ask for is to be around long enough for us to prepare her for what's out there. I need to train her for the fight, and I need to teach her to always be the good guy.
I just hope my body lets it happen. And I pray the world doesn't kill me before we get there.
As typical, my year starts off pretty badly. Not so much as per my 'seasonal affective disorder', but as per I find myself waist deep in a few situations where loyalty and allegiance have come to question over the course of the past year or so. Socially, my life was a warzone. Not just publically, but privately as well.
Also, I had about had it with my dead-end shitty job down the street. Celebrating the incoming holidays with a massive cut in hours and it made things look really bleak. Enough was going on outside in the real world that it was starting to affect us here at home, mostly in the way that perceived slights that are similar to the battle out there felt incredibly more painful. Or I'm justifying something at home. I don't know.
Shortly before the holidays I learned that my time with Loki's Workshop (which was my last big attempt at trying to partner with someone to start a business) was a colossal waste of time. However, the holidays themselves were very nice. Except we're not traveling this year. No. Unless I am the one behind the wheel and I get to pick out the vehicle. Christmas day? Sherman Tank. Fuck that noise...
My NYE resolution was to "let go of things that do not matter," and then I proceeded to do so, and it was incredibly painful. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to. Nor did I realize how fucking hard life was going to make it.
My game design studio officially became a "real indie game studio" with a listing on IndieDB and the release of our first game.
I stepped back and started objectively studying my interactions with Facebook. That's about when the honeymoon ended. I basically stopped using it for anything social nearly as much as I started using it to promote myself as an artist. Or at least focus about 90% on that every time I signed in.
Then I re-released the entirety of my music I've composed and produced over the years. - http://malengine5150.bandcamp.com/
Clan Corvid continued to be in a holding pattern as a vindictive ex and her buddies decided to step in and get involved. I had high hopes at one point that rationality and maturity would win out in the end but... ugh. "Fucking weekenders." (I have to talk about this later because it is so insane it almost gaslighted me.)
Then a short time later I'm in the dirt because I have to turn my back on someone I used to love because they don't know how to treat a toddler right. Then they responded by making sure to demonize me as much as possible. And this is right at the heels of losing another of the greatest female friends in my life.
At this point it's April and I have just lost a few friends. And one family member going in and out of the ER for major issues, I've got another family member in for a suicide attempt over a sex assault, another sister going in because she's falling apart physically from just being unhealthy and frail, another sister coming back from the dead to raise hell, and another sister I can't even talk to anymore because of her nonsense. As all of that family drama was hitting a crescendo...
Then my faithful companion died, on almost a full decade to the day she first found me.
Somehow I managed to survive all of that, and not only completely redesign my website but I also managed create a software development start-up, both of which were massive undertakings that took all of my strengths and abilities.
Shortly afterwards I was rewarded with a brand new PC, as a sort of investment in the future, since it's now looking much better. So good in fact that the entirety of my social issues had just gone away. I could finally fill every waking hour with nothing but *things that mattered*.
Right after that I ditched a small group of people that no one else really cared about. It wasn't that they were dragging me down over the decade or so I've known them, it's just that they weren't moving forward. Who doesn't move forward in that long a time people? I don't have time for that.
So now we're in July, and I've had a big enough victory I can let the little defeats just slide by, but with it comes the realization that I'm surrounded by some weird bubble or micro-culture where I've surrounded myself with people who simply just don't give a shit about me. There was this level of intellectual disdain that had become beyond problematic into just disrespectful and disgusting.
Not only that, but whatever noise I could make was being drowned out by a very vocal minority of people who simply just didn't like me but they sure as shit did love talking about me.
In response I very quitely focused on trying to keep a positive face. Not only did I avoid the drama and negativity, but I cranked up the volumne on my end, and started shooting and editing videos to post online. I restarted my v-blog and I started recording "let's play" videos. Also I started curating playlists and art collections on various places and social networks. Anything to make sure if I was contributing anything to the noise, it was of incredible high quality and good content. Because I would fight the bullshit with something better.
At this point I am broadcasting at all frequences, with original content pouring in from everywhere as I do what I do best and I make things happen. Music, media, even a little bit of art, photography, and writing on the side. And of course reaping in all of the awesome from the game company...
Big huges smiles and an outpouring of joy and playfulness as the isolation and disdain for who and what I truly am destroys me. I am reaching out at all frequencies with nothing but positive energy, and nothing comes back. The only attention that ever comes my way is through political fights on facebook. Or a random weird and nasty e-mail. Or a twitter doxxing.
I am dedicated and driven to expend 100% of my talent and passion and share it with the world in response to the disdain and dismissal I normally receive... I fight the good fight by staying on the high road and trying even harder, and *it only gets worse.*
My body is physically falling apart. I am in constant pain at this point, and I have a noticable lack of strength and stamina. Complications from my illness are in high gear, exacerbated by stress and the past few years of my life taking it's toll on me as this disease gets a little more efficient at what it does.
It is the height of summer, and I am trying to simply stay alive to experience the joys of raising my daughter and harvesting the fruits of all of my hard work, while at the same time comforted by the sense of relief that comes with thinking the end of the daily pain is about to finally come to an end.
And life goes on. And it only gets worse.
My aunt who has been estranged from us for the past 20 years is now dead. The entirety of our family's history and drama is brought to light. My mother is close to checking herself into a hospital.
The process for my daughter's third and final heart surgery is about to begin.
I am laying rock bottom, and seeing it can only get worse.
Life goes on.
This time a good and dear friend throws me under the bus in the name of "social justice". And I don't even flinch anymore.
At this point what little client work I can get is blocked by some SEO shittery that I can't even start to take seriously. I don't even blink.
The video game company suddenly stalls as I realize I somehow ended up signing an Operations Agreement with a board which includes people who's entire contribution over the course of a few months is talking about how dedicated they are to the game and company. I'm not even reacting anymore.
I am trying to slough off the people who are actively trying to destroy me, and I am surrounded (both publicly and privately) by people who simply care so little that it's passively continuing my destruction.
The summer is now coming to an end and whatever it was that was inside of me that gave a fuck about a lot of this was murdered.
At this point I'm so involved in trying to end the fuckery going on in my company that the entire social drama just dies because I simply don't care anymore. Somehow this ends with me getting into a fight with two different people over two unrelated (but incredibly fucking serious things), and somehow my "doing the right thing" ends with a witch hunt. It ends with the internet's version of a high school slam book, written by people who dress up on the weekends.
Oh and then that causes the Clan Corvid thing to die before it's even born, and I'm pretty grateful for it. Typical and not surprising. "Fucking Weekenders"
At this point, I find that I am so constantly attacked on any social network simply because I am challenging something is now of such severity and intensity that friends are starting to get worried. And they're worried because they can't understand why it's happening either.
After realizing that Facebook serves no purpose to me as an artist or as a friend (we all have phones and mailboxes) and it brings me nothing but irritation and distraction, I ditch facebook.
Everyone is so busy screaming at each other there, no one notices.
With the end of my socializing on the internet, I focus on my company, to find that there is now a very loud minority that is not only not meeting expection so hardcore they are impacting our business and development, but they are talking shit about me because I tried to assist them in their troubles, and then tried to find out what the problem was.
Demands for accountability were met with hostility.
This is now happening socially, in my company, and even with my family. I cannot dare open my mouth without it turning into a war.
And this is with me just doing the right thing and being honest.
Oh and nice. I've also been very nice.
A bomb finally went off, and it only went off just last week. I'm lulled into a peace by mutual assurances, and probably a little bit of PTSD. Okay, a LOT. Probably too much. Mjolnir Software promises change, and I will step back and watch for it.
I have faith in the future, but I also have poor expectations. I don't know if we're going to be able to pull out of this, but it won't be my end of it that fails. I can promise that.
As for facebook, and these social dramas and these social anxieties, that's done. It's never happening again.
Oh, and then life goes on as it has to when I come to find out that my sister is now diagnosed with a very massive amount of cancer.
So really I just had to turn the majority of my social interactions off, I just had to fire one of my good friends of many years , and now Cancer has decided third time is the charm.
And that's only been the past few days.
...
I somehow managed to survive all of this. And still keep most of my composure. And keep my head up. And keep fighting. But all of this pain and hate and sickness... it's not going away. I don't see any of this ever going away. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep fighting all of this.
I'm very ill, and I'm now very broken. If I can survive this, I will survive anything. I'm not too sure that's happening this time.
Pretty sure things are coming to an end, and if this is how we're all going to go out, it's really ending on a bummer. However at this point it's "do or die" with the health thing. After losing two family members in two years with this and having a close sibling being hit with it, it's time to stop fucking around and get screened.
Guess that means that if there's going to be a punchline, it's going to be now. At this point I'm looking forward to it. Not because I'm going to like the end, but because this has been a REALLY unfunny joke and I'd like to move on.
...
In summary: I'm looking back at one of the first posts of the last year and I'm coming to realize that now only do I still feel that way (both physically with my illness, but also in terms of my interactions with the people around me), but it's only gotten worse. My response to it has always been to fight back tooth and nail, but this year I took the gentle and compassionate approach. I must have an incredible way to go, because even though I feel like I've done well with my change in attitude (it's all right there on the internet, and that's apparently the only place I interact with people anymore) it feels like it didn't make a bit of difference at all.
Luckily, I'm too stupid to quit, and reverse psychology seems to work decently on me (#justkidding). I still choose to maintain the same positive attitude publically, but privately... I honestly don't know if I can survive another year of this shit. Not out of choice, I just don't think I have the life left for it.
...
There is all but one brilliant and bright light in my life, and it is all that keeps me going. My family is all have.
I have to do it. For her.
All I want and all I can ask for is to be around long enough for us to prepare her for what's out there. I need to train her for the fight, and I need to teach her to always be the good guy.
I just hope my body lets it happen. And I pray the world doesn't kill me before we get there.
