Writer's Block: Dear LiveJournal

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I started Eljay at the beginning of 2002. Internet years are like dog years. So I've been around for a whole life time.

Major life changes....

1. When I first started out LJ, I was dating a woman who's favourite hobby was writing Happy Potter ChanSlash. I think she still does it. I'm not sure. But in the end she ended up getting involved with an equally worthless social retard I used to be friends with. Guess they decided if they're going to be losers, they can at least do it together.

2. In the years I spent on LJ here, I have lived in Evanston WY (for reference please check out one of my favourite movies "SLC PUNK"), Newark NJ, NOLA (pre and post Katrina), Washington DC, Atlanta GA, Dallas TX, Tombstone AZ, NYC... (okay, let's be honest, I would live just outside of these areas, but would it make sense to you if I told you I lived in "Waxahachie TX"? No. So shut up.)

3. I got engaged and married to a wonderful and beautiful woman who I'm still lucky to call a friend, even if we can't be together. Then I got engaged to a woman who... well let's just say I figured shit out before things got too permanent.

4. I've been intimately involved with a few women for some serious lengths of time, and some women for a very short length of time, and I don't regret a single moment of any of it. (Except for a few times I probably beat a dead whore for too long. Wait, I meant "horse". My bad.) And LJ got to see every painful moment. LJ probably still laughs at me about it. I laugh about it as well. Most of my exes have LJs, weirdly enough. And most of them are dotcomrades with each other. Think about that for a second. What sort of sick bitch friends their ex's exes? Well... what sort of sick bitch takes the ice cube trays?

5. LJ documented my travels as I drove across the country over and over again in a burning desire to be an artist. I drove enough to circumnavigate the world twice over. I destroyed a few cars doing it. I'm not sure when I tell people "I toured the country for 10 years" that they really get it. Sometimes I want to grab them by the face and go "10 YEARS. 10 GODDAMNED YEARS." Then again, it hasn't really been ten years, has it? Whatever, I like rounding shit up.

Also, I still don't know what it's like to be an artist. I think the whole thing is some sort of scam.

6. While I have had my fair share of interactions with some serious assholes, I have also been blessed with the fact that I have met some wonderful, wonderful people. Some of them I'm lucky to still have in my life. Some of them are waiting on the other side for me. Some of them aren't as grand as I thought. But I always cherish the good times, even if I seem to dwell on the bad shit.

7. I have saved a few lives, I have not taken a single one. And on all that's holy, I swear on all that's holy, I have been saved myself.

8. I have held a quite a few jobs, I have drastically changed career goals, and I've been unemployed a few times. No matter how bad your job sucks, being without is worse. Don't believe me? Try it.

9. I learned to love karaoke. Which is funny because I fucking hated it.

10. I have become a better artist, a better writer, a better person, a better lover. I have grown and matured in ways that some people will never understand. I have developed a genius that I swear will never be fully appreciated until I die. I'm strangely okay with that.

If you ever find yourself being compared to Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S Thompson, Jack Kerouac, and Henry Rollins... well, you're probably doing something awesome. Even if you're not very commercially viable.

11. I lived like a goddamned rock star for a few years. And while I think it might've done some serious damage to my health and psyche, I would never trade it for a moment. Yeah, I might've spent a few months subsisting off of cocaine and peanuts, I also got to bang three girls at once. Okay... I'm exaggerating, but I can roll with the best and keep them entertained. And life is about LIVING. So... whatever. If God is made in our image, he's going to high five me when I walk through those gates. And honestly, those gates have a weak lock, so tackle the guards and just run for it. Fate favours the bold, right?

12. I've released over 10 books. None of them sold. But I fucking released them. That's what counts.

13. Fuck... I could go on for hours, but why talk when no one is listening?

I'm stopping at 13 because that's the horrorpunk thing to do. And I'm starting to feel like I'm writing my last will and testament, and even if I feel some days like I'm going to die... I'm not ready to go.

My goal is is to go out like I came in. Naked, screaming, and covered in blood.

(no subject)

Enveloped in a sentiment,
a sound that rushes over me.
Engage an impulse to pretend
I have a faith as pure.
Not forgetting what it means to dream.
Indulging everything.
Entertaining thoughts that I've the strength
of those I yearn to be.
Cheers and tribute greet the saviours.
Reckless thoughts survive.
Anachronistic and impulsive.

And what will happen?
Will I dream?
I am too scared to close my eyes.
For a second please hold me.
None can change in me these things that I believe.
But I don't know what happens now.
I am too scared to close my eyes.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One moment.


There's no fucking way I can limit this to just five people. That's ridiculous. *sigh*

My very close friends and my immediate family.

I am a goddamned handful, and the fact that they've been able to deal with me for such a large portion of their life is testament to their patience and compassion. Even my dad, who I honestly think spent a long time just flat out not liking me (or not liking the sort of person I am) has grown to love me, even if it took him about 20 years. Haha. Sucker.

I'm very glad I have them. And if the time comes I need to bury them in our backyard with the rest of our pets, I'm probably going to be inconsolable for DAYS.

I've got friends so close to me, they're more of an adopted family. We have a bond that cannot be broken, no matter how goofy we get. They know who they are.

I've lost a lot of friends, but the ones I still have, become closer to me every time.

So... Nicole, Justin, Val, Kano, Erin... Kerri, Ray, Flipper... my 845 crew... all of my friends and family and my little circle of dotcomrades both near and far, in one way or another you are all very important to me. Sometimes in small quiet ways, and sometimes in ways immeasurable. I love you all.

Thank you for everything.

Also, at the time of this writing, this girl I know is probably the most important to me. It looks like she's going to be around for the long haul. Which is great because we have quite the future planned out for us.

What is the nastiest/filthiest thing or person or event or living space you have encountered?

This was horrible, but not in a derogatory way.. it wasn't her fault. I used to home health care, and would be called in to do basic nursing care on patients. Many of our clients were poor, under-insured, with crappy families and couldn't get the care they needed as often as they needed it. I was sent to do a bed bath & other basic hygiene for an elderly bed-bound patient. When I arrived, the eerily silent house had a mildew, musty, rotting scent to it. It looked and felt empty. The furniture had been cleared out. The indentations still showed in the dirty carpet. There was cheap bric-a-brac, moldy papers, and detritus scattered here and there over the floor and counters. Back in the bedroom, the curtains were closed, and the smell of decay was almost overpowering. I hesitated in the doorway, and in that moment of stillness, I could hear a low, wheezing breath. I announced myself again, and went over to her, and she looked at me and smiled tentatively. It was obvious she hadn't been cared for in days, at least. The sheets were wet, the floor around the bed was wet where the sheets had fallen, her breath was rancid, and her eyes were nearly shut from the goop. And she smiled at me. I had to swallow a few times to blink the tears away, and plaster a smile on my face, and get ready to bathe her. I called adult services while the water was running in the bathroom, because I didn't want to embarrass her. I went back to her, and she asked my name. She told me hers, and asked if I had children. She was utterly and completely lucid, and kept that tentative smile on her face as she tried to overcome the awkwardness of having a stranger come in your home and see you this vulnerable. It broke my heart, but we kept up a cheerful dialogue as I removed the soaked and filthy gown. When I rolled her to her side the smell of rotting flesh was overpowering. There was a layer of feces, urine, blood and bits of the very old diaper stuck to her skin. Keeping my voice cheerful and soothing, I told her I was going to clean her back, and silent tears rolled down her cheeks. It took washcloth after washcloth to gently get the encrusted diaper to peel away from her skin. I was so afraid the skin would tear, it was so fragile. When I peeled it off, my heart sank. She had a hole at the base of her spine the size of a grapefruit. The flesh had died.. she was rotting from the inside out.. it had obviously worked through muscle and possibly into some organ tissue, I couldn't fully irrigate the wound in that environment. A pressure sore from lying on her back too long. Neglect. She kept muttering, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" as if it were her fault. Her family had come and picked through the house, taking jewelery, clothes, furniture, silverware, anything with any potential value, and left a living, breathing, person, with the garbage. That is the nastiest thing I have ever encountered - not her situation, but that there are people in this world who would do that to her.