Another Stupid Orphan

[krowface]

it's an early morning. and i'm woken up with a phone call. this morning i had to hear she is dead.

i'm frozen in time, static fills my veins. i'm suddenly dead. and so fucking alive.

her death is ruining me. her life is killing me.

i'm going to spend the rest of my life living in her death's shadow, and i'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down.

i'm consumed by this memory. you're going to kill me mom. you're going to destroy me.

i don't know where else to go, but i think i need to touch you one last time.

i'm never going to have that final last moment with you. i'm never going to see you smile ever again.

i'm going to have to live a life where you are a fragile memory. and it's going to kill me. and it's going to destroy me.

i wish i could find a way to forgive you, but i never can and i never will. you're never going to have the answers i need.

you're never going to tell me how love works. you're never going to tell me how life is. and i need to learn how to accept this.

and i need to learn how to forgive you. i'm never going to learn how to forgive your death.

please mother, please forgive me. teach me what is good and what is right.

because your shadow is always going to fall across my face. because your shadow is always going to crawl against my skin.

your death is always going to ruin my life. and i need to learn how to forgive you.

but i can't, and i won't. because i'm always going to be lost in your wake. and i'm never going to hear the words god is trying to whisper to me.

you're nothing more to me than a cold body locked in this ground. and your face is always going to burn me alive in the memory of you.

are you alive, are you dead? are you next to me?

promise me one day you'll find a way to teach me how to live, and one day i'll promise how to let you go.

mother, please let me go.

nothing will ever change as long as your ghost haunts me. your shadow consumes me.

you're going to be the death of me. and i'm going to die a thousand times, until i'm ready to let go.

mother. i love you. let me go.

this morning i set the table for the two of us. breakfast is waiting for us.