Making Lists...

I owe it to myself to sit for a time, focus, and go into more detail about the sudden change I have made in my life.

I have this open document sitting on my desk, and in it I have started a list of "why".

I'm trying to give birth to this list, but it has sharp edges, and it cuts me deep for every line I put down.

I vacillate between anger, resentment, disappointment, pity.

Also, a part of me screams "don't do it, it's not worth it."

I don't want to turn this part of my life into what is going to amount to a bitter list of empty promises. I don't want to solidify actions as failings. I don't want to do any of this.

Also, in the end, I don't think anyone is going to learn anything.

Me, standing there, pointing my finger, deciding what was wrong and what was right. It suits me for strangers, painfully for friends, but I never want to do it for anyone closer to me.

But I have had my eyes open for far too long, and there is a list. The question now is "why bother?"