krowface: xenomorph in full lotus position (Default)
Yesterday was my birthday. Thankfully with the phenomenal cosmic power of the ability to post online, I can look back over the past year and see where I have been during this last trip around the sun.

As typical, my year starts off pretty badly. Not so much as per my 'seasonal affective disorder', but as per I find myself waist deep in a few situations where loyalty and allegiance have come to question over the course of the past year or so. Socially, my life was a warzone. Not just publically, but privately as well.

Also, I had about had it with my dead-end shitty job down the street. Celebrating the incoming holidays with a massive cut in hours and it made things look really bleak. Enough was going on outside in the real world that it was starting to affect us here at home, mostly in the way that perceived slights that are similar to the battle out there felt incredibly more painful. Or I'm justifying something at home. I don't know.

Shortly before the holidays I learned that my time with Loki's Workshop (which was my last big attempt at trying to partner with someone to start a business) was a colossal waste of time. However, the holidays themselves were very nice. Except we're not traveling this year. No. Unless I am the one behind the wheel and I get to pick out the vehicle. Christmas day? Sherman Tank. Fuck that noise...

My NYE resolution was to "let go of things that do not matter," and then I proceeded to do so, and it was incredibly painful. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to. Nor did I realize how fucking hard life was going to make it.

Read more... )

In summary: I'm looking back at one of the first posts of the last year and I'm coming to realize that now only do I still feel that way (both physically with my illness, but also in terms of my interactions with the people around me), but it's only gotten worse. My response to it has always been to fight back tooth and nail, but this year I took the gentle and compassionate approach. I must have an incredible way to go, because even though I feel like I've done well with my change in attitude (it's all right there on the internet, and that's apparently the only place I interact with people anymore) it feels like it didn't make a bit of difference at all.

Luckily, I'm too stupid to quit, and reverse psychology seems to work decently on me (#justkidding). I still choose to maintain the same positive attitude publically, but privately... I honestly don't know if I can survive another year of this shit. Not out of choice, I just don't think I have the life left for it.


There is all but one brilliant and bright light in my life, and it is all that keeps me going. My family is all have.

I have to do it. For her.

All I want and all I can ask for is to be around long enough for us to prepare her for what's out there. I need to train her for the fight, and I need to teach her to always be the good guy.

I just hope my body lets it happen. And I pray the world doesn't kill me before we get there.

krowface: Me, as a cartoon, based off of the cartoon that i swear is me. (Drinky Crow Show)
I am WEEKS behind in writing out a "year in review" post. I've been doing it since at least 2006. I need to continue. The issue is, however, that this has been an incredibly big year for me. And it's so big that it's kinda leaking out into this new year.

The huge thing is the game. Once that's out, I can continue where I left off. There is a LOT going on. And all of it is on standby.

But I guess I can leak it a little early, right?

The game is coming out on the 25th. (Shhh! The press release isn't going to be posted until Monday morning.)

Yeah so that's about to wrap up. Then I can address this post. Lot of heartbreak this year, and I have to talk about it. But all in all, it's going to be a good and healthy post.

I dunno. Anyways, hit the tag cloud and read all of those other "year in review" posts" I've written. Limber up for later action.
krowface: xenomorph in full lotus position (Default)
This was the Year of the Snake. This was a time in which the ground turned sour. A second year of transition, a transition extended due to heartbreak, and the slow painful crawl up from the hole that was dug around me.

One full year at the gunshop. Outside of signing checks, and doing actual gun repairs, I can (and have) run the store by myself. I can open it, close it, oversee the operations, manage inventory, handle the best and the worst of customers, and lead everyone in the store when necessary.

I became a manager during the summer, and lost my keys during the second half of october due to some really bad choices. Got the keys back in a week.

A failing economy has prevented me from doing well in all other professional aspects. I sold no art, I designed no websites, the tattoo shop apprenticeship is on hold indefinately.


I came to find I fell in love with a lie, and I learned to hate a coward. "The greatest of loves, and the greatest of lovers", suddenly turned to me lost in the dark, while a broken girl could not find the strength to be honest with her emotions.

The absolute worst heart-break I have ever endured, simply because of someone else's weakness.

(There's no need to walk back down this path... there's a journal in the past and a publishing in the future that'll shine a light on this when needed. There will be a post-mortem. There will be an autopsy.)
Read more... )
krowface: xenomorph in full lotus position (Default)
This year is a year of transition. Although almost nothing has evolved or changed in my professional life, my social life has changed dramatically. After 50,000 miles and 8 years, I have stopped touring the country. I have now settled down in the New York City area. My social circle is completely different, albiet more enjoyable, my lovelife is fantastic, and my artistic life is despressingly wounded and dying at this time.

Not much happened this year. I got off the road, settled in the New York area. I spent most of this year working at NYRF, and at Forest of Fear. A  few different "clients" asked me to design websites for them, but when it came time to man up, they stopped returning my phone calls. I've decided there will no more freebies, no more volunteer work. You want me to do any sort of consultation work or design work for you, you're signing a goddamned contract. I will be paid for my time.

I did design a logo for a cosmetics company, that was nice.

Now I work at a gunshop. I sell fire arms to people. 

My future plans include a tattoo apprenticeship. Cross your fingers, life's been pretty good at fucking my plans up nowadays. I want the gig, the studio wants me to have the gig, but I simply live too far away right now.

Even though I love her very much, I had to leave my wife this year. The break-up was pretty painful, full of broken promises and lip service. It's a chapter in my life that I've had to close for my own good. Sometimes I look at old pictures and I tear up, but this will fade in time. At least I never got a chance to see her in her wedding dress. That memory would probably kill me at this point.

We're attempting to be friends, but she's not doing a very good job at it. There's nothing I can do at this point.

As the relationship ended, a new one began. Much like this last one, someone came into my life that was there for me when I needed it. Someone who was able to let me know, as an outside observer, whether or not I was being calm and/or rational. She was there for me when I needed it, now I'm here for her when she needs it.

We've been together for 6 months now, and we're really gay for each other. Seriously. She says she has never been happier before, and I believe her. I'm starting to feel the same way.

As for friends, I maybe have turned my back on the majority of people that have been in my life for the past 8 years, but those who truly are my friends are still there for me, much as I am for them. I've been absorbed into a pre-existing circle of people here in NY, and I'm grateful. I'm suddenly back in the N/Y/H/C scene after being out of it for over 15 years.

I have fewer associates, but greater friends. I am happy and content with all of the relationships I'm in now. I do miss some of my old friends, and I miss some of the life I left behind.

For the first half of the year I stayed focused on the present, nothing more. This second half of the year, I've worked on my future, only to find that the universe is fighting me every step of the way. The pain and anguish of trying to get ahead has caused me significant neurological problems. I now suffer from anxiety attacks. I self medicate with booze. My thoughts are constantly morbid. I feel as though I maybe on the verge of finally doing something with myself, I'm sure to die. At the most I need therapy; at the least I need to see a doctor to get a thorough examination. I need to know if this anxiety is caused by a shifting in my diabetic state, or if I have some sort of brian tumour. If these keeps up I will be at a loss. I might need to get heavily medicated, put on disability, and made to hide in a cave somewhere.

Strangely enough, I'm currently at my most fittest. I'm physically in excellent shape. 

Every attempt at being an artist this year has failed. I pulled my books off of the market because they simply did not sell. My ACEOs sold just enough to cover costs. I have done almost nothing freelance. Places like "liveperson" has done nothing but filled my e-mail inbox with retarded requests for stupid projects. I'm really not into that place anymore.

However, I refuse to give up.

This year I will put my books back up on-line. I will turn the ACEOs into full sized images for use as posters, stickers, and t-shirts. I'm currently writing a zombie movie screenplay, and I think I'm going to write and illustrate a children's book, just because.

I might be putting my books back up. I lost all of my data, my books and illustrations and digital stuff to an HDD crash. So I'm currently fighting with the misery of ending my time as a photographer. My friends won't let me though. This setback might just force me into going back to traditional art. 

I don't know yet.
krowface: xenomorph in full lotus position (Default)
Ok... here we go, my attempt at a 'year in review' post. I'm sure everyone is sick of seeing them all over the place on their friend's page, but this one is *mine* so if anything, at least it'll be interesting. Well, not interesting, but at least amusing. Slightly. At the *very* least, it'll be typed. With paragraph formating. Maybe some bulleted lists if you're lucky. Regardless, I'll try to make it quick and painless, but I'm not making any goddamned promises.

Chapter I: Arizona

I became a resident of Tombstone, AZ. Got a job at Spangenberg's, one of the oldest gunshops in the country. I became really good friends with some of the more notable people in town, and I was even offered a part in the daily "Shoot Out at the O.K. Corral" recreation. I became their webmaster, I put their site up.
I started working the Arizona Renne Faire as a push-monkey for the second year in a row.
I went back on the road, decided to become a rock star, and was a wild success at it.

I broke up with a girl I was dating for about 3 and a half years, because she didn't treat me as well as I deserved. She responded turning into a 16 year old. You know, by going into my car, without my permission, and taking things that weren't hers. Treating me with disrespect. Lying to everyone around her, including me. Whoring it up, turning into an alcoholic. Things that made me decide I couldn't be friends with her, that sort of nonsense.
Ended up getting involved with a hard-drinking lesbian named Erin.
Was told I was an amazing lay, and great boyfriend material.
Had a skeleton dragged out of my closet, involving something I did as a 'bad boyfriend' in NJ.

I accepted the fact that I'm an aging punk-rocker.
I became a the proud owner of a Single Action .45 revolver.

Decided to stop fucking around with my art career.
Started working on the layouts for my books.
but wait... there's more! )
Chapter VI: Here and Now

Taking a long vacation from everything before going up to NC in a few weeks to do leather-working and more website designing. I stand to make a shit-ton of money, just in time for the AZ show.

My wife and I are a regular Ozzie and Harriet. We take very good care of each other. We get each other nice things, we do wonderful things for each other. We even cook and clean side by side, like the nice and healthy couple we are. Then again, we've been through so much, we've earned it. My brother loves every minute we spend together, and his fiance is happy to have a girl around.

This is my time now. Enjoying my undistracted time with my wife and my brother. I've got my foot on the gas for everything I want to accomplish this year.

Published two more volumes of 'DTE'. The last two should be published in a matter of a week or so. Also, I'm going to go ahead and try out the ACEO/ATC scene. Looks promising. Also, I'll be finishing up my art for those two distributors.

There ya go. A whole lot of stuff, cleanly and clearly organized. You guys probably just pulled a 'tl;dr' and skipped over all of it, so whatever. eat shit.

November 2016



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